Dear Jane
by KathyBoPeep
Summary: Originally written for the RizzlesFanficChallenge Tumblr. Sometimes you just cant speak what you need to say.
1. Chapter 1

My Dear Sweet Detective,

Here I sit, in our house, in our kitchen, in our life and I am so shattered. I'm not even sure if I can make it through this letter without breaking down. I can't face you, I'll lose my resolve. I'm leaving Jane; I'm leaving you and taking the kids. I can't deal with you anymore. I love you, oh God do I love you pretty girl, but I just can't take it anymore. You've been lying to me and I knew it all along. Molly has started asking me where you are, and I've been running myself ragged trying to avoid the truth. Daniel, pure, sweet Daniel, cries out for you on nights you don't come home.

I found the bottles Jane. I know that you were trying to keep it away from the family, but I found them. That means that our children can find them Jane. Could you imagine what 7 year old angelic Molly would say when she found a bottle of Jim Beam in the toy box in the garage? With their TOYS Jane?! The same toys that your mother bought them for Christmas last year, the toys that Frankie found when he travelled to the south? Those are precious memories Jane, and you've tainted them. How could you do that to our children? You can lie to me, I will ok. My heart is pounding, but I will be able to live. But, you're their mother. They ask for you at night, they tell their friends about their mothers. But, when their friends come by, you aren't here? Daniel started kindergarten 3 weeks ago, and you "were working late on a case". Barold called me that same night asking if you had made it home, he hadn't seen you since you got sent home at 3 for insubordination.

I've had my bag packed for a few months now Jane, not wanting to throw away 10 years of marriage. I just wanted you to notice that I was at the end of my rope. Is it so bad at home that you only show up once a week to raid the fridge, and pass out on the couch? I haven't slept next to you in 4 months and we haven't made love in nearly a year. It hurts me to see you like this because I feel responsible. I can't have 3 children Jane, I need a wife. I need to feel beautiful and smart, sexy and wanted. You haven't done anything to me but tell me that I was aging rapidly, and point out the stretch marks that haven't faded since I gave birth to my son, our son. You didn't even make it in time for that, Korsak had to call the bar and tell you that I was in labor while Tommy drove me in my own car.

Because of these things, I have reached my point. I can't do this anymore; I deserve the woman that you used to be. I know that you have a problem, and as soon as you can admit that and get help, I will be so glad to do whatever I can. But, until then, my sweet girl, the kids and I will be staying with Constance, for however long it takes. I will send you photos of the kids, and write to you when I see fit. I will leave our return address in hopes that I can trust you not to show up there in a state. You may write to any of us, but don't even try until you've made an effort. I love you Jane, and I just want our family back together. Please help me pick up the pieces of our life.

I have hope for you Jane Rizzoli,

Maura

Jane sat at the counter of her house, in her life, where her family should be. They had left two days ago, and she had no idea. She needed help, she needed her family back. She picked up her cell phone, and hit dial on the number she had been staring at for quite some time.

"Thank you for calling Boston Addiction Clinic, where miracles can happen, how may I help you?"

"My-my name i-is Jane Rizz-Rizzoli and, I-I have a problem:


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Maura,

I'm such a chicken shit; I can't even work up the nerve to call you or the kids. I'm so ashamed of myself. I know that you send the kid's school pictures last month, I'm sorry that I didn't reply. I ended up having to call Frankie to come sit with me because I felt like I was going to relapse. I miss you guys so much. I miss my babies, I miss my wife. I'm (semi) proud to announce that I've been sober for 6 weeks now. I didn't even mess up once. I know it's soon, but I wonder if I can maybe see you guys on Thanksgiving. You don't have to come here, we can meet somewhere. I just want to hold Daniel and see if he's lost that tooth yet or if Molly stopped kissing her One Direction poster when she goes to sleep. I wanna hold you, even if it's just a hug, a handshake, or even just a simple touch. I miss you guys.

Thanksgiving is all about being thankful, which I have not been recently. I'm deeply sorry. You are my wife, and I treated you like a perp. I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't even face our children. Did you know, that I showed up for Molly's play last week? I sat in the back next to the camcorder moms and the wheelchair folks because I didn't want you guys to see me. I wasn't quite ready to show myself. I know that I froze you out, and I can't quite place why. I just wasn't happy with myself. I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted. You are so beautiful Maur, and I told you wretched things to make myself feel better. All it did was make me want to die seeing your face fall and the silent tears you hid from me. I remember the last time we made love and you crying afterwards because I never once said that I loved you or called you my pretty girl. But, I did tell you that your curves were gone and that you were too cold. Good God Maura, how did you put up with that for so long? I would have left me and never looked back. Which, I guess, is what you already have done? I know why, and I understand. But, this is what I would tell you if I could speak to you without having a panic attack.

On a lighter note, I got my hair trimmed; it's about to my back. I actually brushed it for the first time in a while. I got some new clothes that aren't work clothes or sweatpants. I cleaned the house, and painted the basement. I never use my workout room anymore, so I changed it into the kid's playroom whenever you guys come back. If you come back…you will come back right? Even if it takes 10 years, I'll wait for you.

Thanksgiving is in a week, and I just wonder if I'll see you guys. Ma told me that you guys were going there but asked me to come afterwards. I will if you'd like me to. I understand if it's been too soon. It will be weird without Korsak there; this is my first Thanksgiving without him. I know his exes are going to be there; Ma always made sure that everyone had a place to go. That's actually how Barry started to come around for Sunday dinners. Whenever he would come around for previous Holiday's, he would lecture us about why we shouldn't actually celebrate this occasion, but that gathering families was nice. I'm sorry, pretty girl. I think by writing this out, I've stopped bullshitting myself.

I'm guilty.

I'm guilty of being a bad detective.

I'm guilty of being a bad wife

I'm guilty of losing my children.

I'm just guilty.

You were there Maura, you know that I missed the signal; I missed my command to cover. I was so busy yelling at you for not telling me about conferences, that I forgot to cover my partner. I was so self-absorbed trying to convince you that you didn't tell me when in all reality I had just felt guilty for forgetting. Christ, Maur, I've honestly fucked everything up. I just can't think straight with all of these things I've done weighing on me.

I miss Daniel and his mess you call hair. It's just like mine when I was that age, floppy and curly and his beautiful brown eyes that melt my heart like a chocolate bar in summer. Oh, Molly, my beautiful, angelic, sweet baby girl; I miss her something fierce. Did she ever cut her hair? Please tell me no. Her hair is so white in comparison to those stunning green eyes. Honey, she could be running the world with those eyes when she's old enough.

I still am stuck on Korsak. I don't know if I can see Frost without breaking down and apologizing over and over again. I know that I'm not legally at fault and the trajectory blah blah blah. I know all of this. But, it comes down to me and I just can't deal with that guilt right now. I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense Maura. If you're still reading by now, just know that I love you. I love this beautiful family that we have built; I love my beautiful wife who gave birth to my two gorgeous children. I love what you have done for me. Ugh Maura, I would quit my job if I could just kiss you one more time. Please send me a call, text, or even just send Suzie up with a letter. Yeah, about that, I eventually showed my one week certificate to Cavanaugh who, after a good verbal warning, let me back on desk duty until i can clear my two month mark. I couldn't bear not seeing you guys this Thanksgiving, even if it's just in a photograph. Just remember pretty girl that I love you guys more than anything and I will stop at nothing to redeem myself.

Forever Maura, that's what I promised when I slid that ring onto your perfect finger on our wedding day. .

Forever.

Love,

Jane.

P.s. I've enclosed some photos of the playroom to see if you would make any changes. Please let me know if you'd like to see anything else.

Jane folded the letter with shaky hands and licked the seal, placing a small kiss on the white paper. She grabbed her keys and jacket, and headed out the door to mail the letter that could possibly change her life.


End file.
